the Mummie
by boshrocks
Summary: this was written by a crazy friend, and like the author it denotes craziness. its funny and rather silly. It's a spoof of the first film. rr


**The Mummie**

Written by Victoria Allen 

NB. The actors should over dramatise some lines and try really hard even though the whole thing is obviously slowly going down the pan. O'Connell seems to be working from a different script version.

TITLE SCENE. BEACH (Poss. Camber sands?)

THE MUMMIE is written in the sand, close in on it then-

DOGS LEGS walking across the scene, swearing in the background and the camera backs out to see what looks like a director making a flying leap at the dog and herding it whilst waving the camera away shouting, "turn it off!"

2,134BC SUPER-IMPOSED, in the background a shoddily built set made to look like Egypt  
NARRATOR (IMHOTEP)  
Thebes, city of the living. Crown jewel of Seti-

A random man walks on stage and gives a loud, bored yawn.

MAN  
This is boring, man! Get to the point!  
(Turns to audience)  
Basically, he got frisky with the princess, pharaoh found out, princess killed herself then HE got mummified alive for trying to bring her back  
OK?  
(Man walks off stage)

IMHOTEP  
But If I could raise my beloved Anck-su-namun from her place in hell-

Mans voice (from O.S)  
MAN  
Yada yada, you'd be unstoppable, Whatever….

IMHOTEP  
...You will learn

Mans voice (O.S)  
SHUTUP!

1915, set is a pathetic wall and sand with the odd shout in the background of things like, "No, a TUNA sandwich, Christ how difficult is it…."  
Rick O'Connell looks over a wall at the 'massive screaming horde' galloping towards him. Beni, a little Frenchman, joins him. O'Connell's accent should be very annoying American.

BENI  
I knew this was going to be a lousy day

O'CONNELL  
You don't say…I'm having second thoughts  
you know, why don't we just surrender, or we  
could just run away, now I mean…

BENI (Loading a gun)  
Look, why don't you just shut up and...Hey,  
come back here, where are you going?

O'CONNELL  
Anywhere but here!

Beni stops loading

BENI  
Hey wait for me!

Beni runs, overtaking O'Connell as he heads for a temple (bad craftsmanship too), then closes the door in O'Connell's face

BENI (from int. temple)  
Ha! Sorry, pal!

O'CONNELL  
I'm gonna get you for this Beni

BENI  
Now where have I heard that before...

O'Connell runs but is eventually cornered by some taureg warriors. He prepares to be shot but at the last minute their horses freak and run off, taking the warriors with them. O'Connell looks down and sees the sand beneath him snake into the shape of Imhotep's face (With someone coughing violently in the back round), he freaks and runs out through the ruins. (This should take him some time and be done with difficulty, falling over all the time)

Watching from above are the Mumia (Pharaohs guys), Still guarding the grave after all this time…

MUMIA 1  
And what of this one?

ARDETH BAY  
Personally, I think his clothes are a bit too  
blendy, sandy pastels are soo last year and  
the ruffled hero appearance is really out of  
date, sorry but-

MUMIA 1  
No you imbecile, shall we kill him?

ARDETH BAY

Do we have to? He's such a cute little idiot-  
let the desert do it

MUMIA 1  
You're too soft Ardeth...

(Background, "Mmm, more tuna next time)

CAIRO MUSEUM OF ANTIQUITIES  
Evelyn Carnahan, dressed in trousers & a shirt, dumps some very expensive looking books on a shelf. They promptly fall off and fall apart. She leans heavily against bookcase, which falls over having a domino effect on all the other bookcases. Background shouts of, "Who hired her? You did. Who's he? The curator, read the script", etc.

EVY (sighing, obviously tired)  
Oh crap, whoops (The last part should be said sarcastically, poss. waving hands)

CURATOR

What the hell have you done now!

EVY

As usual-mucked, up your library.

CURATOR  
Why do I even bother with you at all?

EVY  
'Cos I'm smart, and I'd be forced to hurt you if  
you fired me (Last part said added as if obvious)

CURATOR  
Oh...anything else

EVY  
'Cos it's part of the movie

CURATOR  
Fine, fine. Have it your way, but at least clear up this mess you made

EVY  
Mmmm…No

CURATOR  
Fine…Oh, by the way your brother's drunk and he's shooting at the mummies in the sarcophagus section again.

EVY (murmured)  
Dammit

INT. SARCOPHAGUS SECTION (cheesy spooky music required for this)

EVY (half whispered)  
Where the hell are you-you freak

JONATHAN (walking backwards from a sarcophagus, guns raised)  
Err, over here...Evy…they're after me again...!

EVY  
Err, Jonathan, it's dead

JONATHAN (lowering guns)  
Undead

EVY  
Then why isn't it moving or actually chasing you?

JONATHAN (fed-up and bored)  
Oh Shut up.

EVY  
Oh god...Jonathan, face it, you're not a hero

JONATHAN  
Am too

EVY  
Are not

JONATHAN  
Am too

EVY  
Are...oh, just shut the fuck up and stop being so childish.

JONATHAN  
...Am too, 'cos I found a box and it's got a map in it

EVY (Exasperated)  
And?

JONATHAN  
And it leads to Hamunaptra

EVY  
... Pertains

JONATHAN  
Whatever

IN CURATORS OFFICE-DAY

EVY (To Curator sitting at desk)  
Look what I found. This box leads to  
Hamunaptra, the lost city, with all that treasure...(suddenly snapping out of it)  
Genuine I'm sure, see the cartouche here

JONATHAN  
Errrm, actually, I found ...

EVY (snapping at Jonathan then turning back to curator)  
Shut up, so what do you think?

CURATOR (barely looking at it to Evelyn's confusion)  
Well, its obviously a fake, I'm surprised at you  
Miss Carhahan, to be so fooled, and as for this map-  
(Map 'accidentally' catches fire)  
(Background shouts of "LIAR!" & " Shhhh!")

EVY  
Shit! Quick, help me Jonathan!

JONATHAN  
You burned the damn map

EVY  
We're leaving

Evelyn snatches the box from the curator and walks out with Jonathan still blowing at the scorched map

CAIRO PRISON-DAY (background mechanical sounds and whips etc.)

EVY (walking slowly beside Jonathan)  
So, you nicked it of some drunk

JONATHAN  
As it happens, yes, but I did so heroically

EVY  
So lets go see him then

JONATHAN  
I wouldn't suggest...

WARDEN (stepping spookily out of shadows)  
The cowardly one is through here

EVY (quickly, looking sharply at Jonathan)  
Thank you.

O'Connell sits trembling on his cell floor, but stops as soon as Evelyn walks in

(Background laugh)

EVY (looking round in annoyance towards camera, then back at O'Connell)  
So, do you know the way to Hamunaptra?

O'Connell looks round in amazement

O'CONNELL  
Say it a bit louder why don't you…(emphasis on louder)

EVY (quickly)  
Would you like me to? We have your box, if we get you outta here, will you take us to Hamunaptra?

O'CONNELL  
Let me at least have SOME chance at making fun of you and maybe

EVY  
Yes or no

O'CONNELL (quickly, getting up)  
Yep

EVY  
Good. Warden!

WARDEN (drawling voice)  
Yes, do you want me to hit him?

EVY  
I could do that myself. How much to get him out?

WARDEN (Smiling encouragingly)  
Ha! Have him for free! Take the unfunny bastard away!

EVY  
Thanks; by the way, what's your name?

O'CONNELL  
Just call me O'Connell, this is business

(Background, "Ha, cool, guy….)

O'Connell and Evelyn walk of set shouting "Will you lot shut up"

GIZA PORT-DAY  
O'Connell, Jonathan and Evelyn walk into the port, arguing

EVY  
Well Mr O'Connell, technically I do own you

O'CONNELL  
No because you didn't have to pay

EVY  
So? Look, forget it. Do you even know where  
Hamunaptra is?

O'CONNELL  
Listen, miss, all I can tell you is my-

EVY  
Oh shut up. Be a gentleman and take my bags

BAR AT BOW-NIGHT  
O'Connell an American and Beni are playing poker  
A sound crew guy or something similar who was also playing gathers up his cards & stuff and walks off saying "sorry guys, but I'll play you later yeah?"

O'CONNELL (turning his attention to Beni)  
I'll kill you later Beni

BENI  
Fine by me O'Connell, so long as I win all your money first

Jonathan and Evelyn walk in

O'CONNELL (looking up & smiling)  
Sit down, Jonathan, we could use another good player

EVY  
Who says I'M not a good player?

HENDERSON (AMERICAN)  
Play if ya like, I'll just have more stuff ta win (Laughs)

JONATHAN  
I don't gamble

EVY (Murmured)  
Liar

HENDERSON  
How about if I wager five hundred dollars we get to Hamunaptra before you

EVY (looking sharply at O'Connell)  
Who says we're going to Hamunaptra?

O'CONNELL (Sheepish)  
No one told me it was some big secret or anything...(trailing off)

EVY (smiling broadly)  
Gentlemen, we got ourselves a wager

EXT. BARGE - NIGHT

O'Connell sits on a table, staring out over the passing river.  
A gunnysack DROPS onto the table, startling him.

EVY (As if suddenly seeing him for the first time)  
Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya.

O'CONNELL  
I weren't scared...

Evelyn reaches into the gunnysack and starts pulling out revolvers, pistols, hunting knives, a massive elephant gun, and a half dozen carefully wrapped sticks of dynamite.

EVY  
Some of your friends in Cairo told me what

happened last time you were there

O'CONNELL  
Lady, you can't imagine. The last time I was at that

place everybody I was with died.

Evelyn starts dismantling and cleaning the guns.

O'CONNELL  
There's something out there, you know, something under that sand.

EVY  
And hopefully, for me and my brother, its made of gold.

What do you think is out there?

O'CONNELL  
Evil. The Tuaregs and the Bedouin believe that Hamunaptra

is cursed, they call it, "the doorway to hell"

EVY (stopping)  
If you're trying to scare me your failing. I don't believe in fairy tales,

but I do believe that you're the scared one and your trying to make up for it.

A beat, then-

O'CONNELL (unsure of what she just said)  
...Whatever

INT. EVELYN'S CABIN - NIGHT

Evelyn is busy reading up on Hamunaptra. (Book "Hamunaptra for smartarsses) She turns around; right there is one of the MUMIA. He slams his hand over her mouth and lifts up a hook, ready to strike.

HOOK  
Where is the map? And the key?

Evelyn pulls his hand off and looks up at him.

EVY   
Bugger off

HOOK  
Then I'll find it myself,

He cocks his hook, about to kill her. And that's when the door is fly's open. O'Connell walks in, looks up, then draws a gun in each hand.  
Hook spins Evelyn around and holds her out in front of him.  
O'Connell looks at her.

O'CONNELL  
Friend of yours?

EVY (exasperated)  
Don't be smart, just get me outta here

O'Connell fires at Hook, Evelyn bites his hand  
O'Connell grabs her and YANKS her out of the ROOM.

HALLWAY - NIGHT  
O'Connell pulls Evelyn down the hall (muttering something incoherent), she tries to jerk free.

EVY  
The map! We need the map!

O'CONNELL (stopping)  
I'm the map!  
(Taps his forehead)  
It's all up here.

EVY  
Shit! I don't trust you-JONATHAN!

O'CONNELL  
C'mon, there's still one more of those guys around here somewhere.

EVELYN'S ROOM - NIGHT  
The door is KICKED OPEN again, it hits Hook in the arse as he looks for the map and knocks him into the Corner. Jonathan leans in.

JONATHAN  
EVY!

Then he sees the key/box on the floor and picks it up, A HAND suddenly snatches the key/box away from him.

JONATHAN  
Hey...

It's Hook. Jonathan shoves Hook across the room, grabs the key/box and runs out slamming the door.

JONATHAN  
Bloody locals...

EXT. CAMEL PADDOCK - NIGHT

O'Connell and Evelyn race out onto the deck near the horse paddock. People are SCREAMING and SHOUTING: the world is going to end, where's the nearest Chinese, Who's that freak in the cap, hey look at the cool flames-ow! lots of panic.

O'CONNELL  
Can you swim?

EVY  
The question is can YOU swim  
(She pushes him over the side)

Evelyn dives into the water. Jonathan comes up behind her and leaps over

NILE RIVERBANK - NIGHT

O'Connell; Evelyn & Jonathan wade out of the water. Everybody else, including the horses, is getting out on the far shore. O'Connell spots Beni running up to the Americans but ignores him; Jonathan sees him-

JONATHAN  
Hey Beni! Looks to me like you're on the wrong side of the river!

BENI  
Yeah, maybe, but I got all the bloody horses!

Jonathan mutters under his breath and walks off

BEDOUIN TRADING POST - DAY

Jonathan barters in ARABIC with a CAMEL TRADER at a trading post. (Supposedly Arabic, but actually nonsense like blabab bla camel you give badada to me etc) He forks over some cash. The Trader hands them the reins of four ugly old camels.

JONATHAN  
This is daylight robbery

O'CONNELL  
I tried to give them your sister instead, but she wasn't ladylike enough.

JONATHAN  
Oh REALLY

O'CONNELL  
Yes REALLY

Evelyn steps out of a trading tent. People are trying to get her to change into a dress but she's fighting them off like they're plague carriers. She's still in dirty jeans and a torn top.

O'CONNELL (sighing)  
I should have tried harder

Cut to-

Sand beach as title scene

The words "Sahara desert

Day

It is hot

……And sandy" written out in the sand. Zoom in, then a persons legs are seen walking across it leaving footprints. Mutters of "not again" then "cut to the next scene" You just catch the words "Look lady…"

EXT. GIANT SAND DUNE - ENDLESS HORIZON - DAY

The dawning sun hasn't yet crested the distant horizon as-  
Henderson rides out from behind the far end of the dune. He is accompanied by an Arab EGYPTOLOGIST. Beni rides lead on a camel, the rest ride horses. They look confused as they come to the sea but just ride back to the middle of the 'desert' again.

BENI  
Good morning, my friend!

O'Connell just nods. The two parties come to a stop. O'Connell turns and stares out across the 'endless horizon'. Beni does likewise. Henderson looks puzzled.

HENDERSON

What the hell we doin'?

BENI  
Shut up and watch

Henderson looks over at O'Connell.

HENDERSON  
First one to the city, O'Connell! Five hundred! Cash bucks!

O'CONNELL (Shaking his head)  
Stupid Americans...

Far off to the right, a SHAPE begins to rise with the sun. The city outlines itself, falls over a bit then stops. (It's a cut-out or similar)  
O'Connell and Beni watch it, 

HENDERSON  
HEYA!

He takes off.

EVY  
Shouldn't we be going? Lose this bet and I'll kill you

O'CONNELL  
Go on then

Evelyn ignores him and races towards the city

INT. HAMUNAPTRA - DAY

Evelyn sits casually on her horse as Henderson races up and stops to look at her

HENDERSON  
How the hell did you beat us?

EVY  
I'm the star of this movie, of course I beat you

JONATHAN  
Hey I thought…

EVY (smiling and ignoring him)  
Shut up Jonathan, just shut up...

O'CONNELL  
Women, eh?

EVY

OI! Watch yourself O'Connell!

EXT. DIG - DAY

O'Connell, Evelyn and Jonathan are working next to a narrow CREVICE, which weaves it's way through the ruins. Jonathan ties a rope around a pillar and throws the rest of the coils into the crevice, about to rappel down.  
Evelyn is rolling up spare rope

O'CONNELL  
Where we goin' now then?

EVY (stopping to stare at him)  
What are you stupid or something? DOWN!

O'CONNELL  
Err…um…Do I have to go?

JONATHAN/EVY  
YES!

O'Connell shrugs, then follows Jonathan down into the crevice

INT. EMBALMER'S CHAMBER - DAY

Jonathan waves a TORCH as O'Connell and Evelyn drop down next to him. Evelyn peers into the spooky darkness.

O'CONNELL  
Spooky…Wow this place is old...

EVY (stopping to stare at him)  
Ya think?

O'Connell jumps back suddenly

O'CONNELL  
Aaahh! And full of spider webs!

JONATHAN  
Don't tell me, you're stupid AND you're a wimp

O'CONNELL  
Yeah, but look who's talkin'

Evelyn just rolls her eyes.

EVY  
Will you just PLEASE shut up, you're giving me a headache

Evelyn goes along with a torch lighting some others. The room slowly becomes visible

EVY  
It's a preparation room.

JONATHAN

Preparation for what?

EVY  
Entering the afterlife

Jonathan calms down then looks over to O'Connell who's beginning to panic

O'CONNELL  
I don't wanna die! I'm to young!

JONATHAN  
Err, she means mummies not you, though we could sort somethin' out...

EVY  
Don't tease him Jonathan, you know he can't take it.

INT. LABYRINTH - DAY

O'Connell, Evelyn and Jonathan crouch as they make their way through a narrow, COBWEBED LABYRINTH.

O'CONNELL (whispered)  
God I hate spiders

Then they hear something and freeze. It sounds like something is clawing inside the walls. Everyone slowly moves forward. It's getting darker and darker as they go, the strange sound getting louder and louder. And then it stops. Evelyn holds her breath. Jonathan cocks his pistol. O'Connell edges backwards

O'CONNELL  
Exactly how big do spiders get in this part of the world?

Everyone relaxes and stares at him.

ANUBIS CHAMBER - DAY

They slowly creep -out of the labyrinth and up to the foot of an enormous half-buried statue. The lower half of Anubis. Then they hear the sound again, coming closer now, from the other side of the statue. Jonathan pulls Evelyn behind him. And closer. Jonathan raises his gun. And CLOSER! O'Connell grabs hold of Jonathan's arm suddenly, breaking the tense moment again

O'CONNELL  
Don't let me die!

JONATHAN (lowering his pistol and shaking his head)  
Oh for gods sake, get off me!

Henderson LUNGES OUT round the corner. Jonathan REACTS, But doesn't pull the trigger because it's just the American. Their guns are up, cocked and aimed.

HENDERSON (Smiling slightly)  
Ya scared the bejeezus out of us.

O'CONNELL (relaxing and letting go of Jonathan, but drawing a gun beside him)  
Likewise.

But nobody lowers their guns. Henderson grins.

HENDERSON  
This here is our statue...friend.

EVY  
Don't see your name on it...pal

And that's when Beni and the Egyptologist step out of the shadows, --both holding guns aimed at O'Connell and Jonathan.

BENI  
Three to two, boys, your odds are not so good.

EVY  
I think you'll find the odds are even

She draws a pistol

O'Connell gives her a nervous sideways glance. Beni cocks his gun, grinning.

O'CONNELL (lowering his gun again and backing away)  
Look why don't we all just back off, eh? There's plenty of this place to go 'round, right?

O'Connell pulls Jonathan away.

JONATHAN (frowning angrily and flicking him off)  
I told you not to touch me, freak!

Beni and Co. slowly lower their guns, laughing. The Egyptologist excitedly begins translating the hieroglyphs.

INT. IMHOTEP'S CHAMBER - DAY

O'Connell and Jonathan are using sledgehammers against the ceiling.

EVY  
Here we should be right under the statue.

O'CONNELL  
And when that dirty Yank and his pals go to sleep-

JONATHAN (looking at O'Connell, confused)  
Aren't you a-

O'CONNELL  
--We'll sneak up and steal that book right out from under them.

EVY (stopping translating something, half smiling to herself)  
Book?

O'CONNELL  
Well you're looking for the book of the living, right? It's supposed to be buried here? It's made out of pure gold they say, hell I know Henderson's looking for it--

EVY (smiling properly now)

I know

INT. ANUBIS' CHAMBER - DAY

Beni and the Americans hover around the Egyptologist, who's found the SECRET COMPARTMENT inside Anubis. The Egyptologist brushes sand away from the seam. Henderson steps forward and grabs the seam, --the Egyptologist quickly stops him.

EGYPTOLOGIST  
Seti was no fool.

Henderson sees the intense look in the Egyptologist's eyes

HENDERSON  
Yeah, sure...

He looks back at the native Digger.

HENDERSON  
We'll let him open it.

The Egyptologist nods, then YELLS IN EGYPTIAN (garble) at the Digger. He hesitates, filled with fear. Henderson pulls out his gun, aims it at the Digger. The Digger hesitantly steps forward with a crowbar and sticks it into the seam. Everyone backs away.

INT. IMHOTEP'S CHAMBER - DAY

Everyone is still digging into the ceiling

O'CONNELL (Stopping and sitting down)  
Lemme get this straight, they stuck a sharp, red hot poker up your nose, cut your brain into small pieces, then ripped it all out through your nostrils? That is disgusting, I think I'm going to be sick...

EVY (looking down at him)  
You are dead when they do this

JONATHAN (panting)  
Still...

O'CONNELL (half getting up)  
I gonna puke, anyone got, like a bag or summing…

And that's when a huge chunk of the roof suddenly GIVES OUT. Jonathan GRABS Evelyn and JERKS her clear. O'Connell DIVES for the far wall. A massive STONE CASEMENT drops out of the CEILING and CRASHES to the floor. DUST FLIES, fills the room.

JONATHAN (Coughing and laughing)  
Maybe whoever's in there has one

INT. ANLIBIS CHAMBER -  
The Egyptologist looks at the Digger, gripping his crowbar, and YELLS-

EGYPTOLOGIST  
Beetroot! (Or any other nonsensical word)

The Digger PULLS HARD. The ancient seams start to give, the Egyptologist YELLS again.(Celery, etc) The Digger PULLS HARDER. The compartment starts to loosen. Again he YELLS. The Digger gives one final pull and-  
--An intense BURST OF LIQUID sprays out of the SEAM. It hits the DIGGER. Melts his SKIN OFF. He SCREAMS. (At the last minute you see someone through the gap of the seam, a grip or someone, with an open can of something bubbling over, he looks nervous & surprised)

INT. IMHOTEP'S CHAMBER - DAY

The dust is starting to clear. O'Connell, Evelyn and Jonathan slowly get up and step over to the massive stone casement. We immediately recognize it as IMHOTEP'S SARCOPHAGUS.

O'CONNELL (mildly confused)  
Why would they bury somebody in the ceiling?

EVY (sighing)  
Oh god how thick are you? They didn't, they buried him at the foot of Anubis. 

JONATHAN (Walking over to it)  
He was either someone of great importance, or he was really in trouble for something

They clear the dirt off the top of the sarcophagus, revealing a single, ominous hieroglyph. Jonathan stares at it. Evelyn impatiently strums her fingers across the lid.

EVY  
Well? ... Who is it?

JONATHAN (giving up)  
Well you take a look then.

Evelyn stares at the 'hieroglyph', confused.

EVY  
'He that shall not be named.'

O'Connell dusts off the huge LOCK 

JONATHAN (looking across at O'Connell)  
There's some sort of lock there. Without a key, it'll take us a month to crack this thing, whoever's in here, sure wasn't getting out.

O'CONNELL (Stopping)  
Why would they get out? Get out! Like live mummies! We don't want it to get! Let's leave it 'till tomorrow, huh?

EVY (snapping her fingers in realization)  
A key! That's it! That's what he was talking about.

O'CONNELL  
Who was talking about what?

Evelyn starts rummaging through the pack on Jonathan's back.

EVY  
On the barge. The one with the hook, he was looking for a key.

Evelyn pulls out the key/box.

JONATHAN (looking at it)  
Hey right, I'm with you

She quickly unfolds the box, --it's now shaped exactly like the LOCK'S KEYHOLE. 

O'CONNELL (Backing away)  
No no no. I'm not playing with dead mummies. Especially not when it's dark. Lets come back tomorrow morning when I can see, 'kay? Please?

EXT. BASE CAMP - NIGHT

Evelyn and Jonathan are beside a campfire. O'Connell come up over the rocks.

O'CONNELL (Horrified)  
One of the Americans' diggers was killed!  
Pressurized salt acid! His skin was melted clean off! Some sorta ancient booby-trap...

JONATHAN   
Maybe this place really is cursed

A GUST OF WIND blows through the camp. The campfire FLICKERS, O'Connell and Jonathan share a nervous look. Evelyn laughs.

EVY  
HA! You two!

O'CONNELL (sitting between her and Jonathan)  
Don't believe in curses, huh?

EVY  
No. I believe in treasure.

O'CONNELL  
Well I believe in being prepared.

EVY (quetly)

Freak!

A BARAGE OF GUNFIRE is heard coming from the American camp. Jonathan jumps up and throws the elephant gun to Evelyn.

JONATHAN  
Stay here!

He takes off running through the ruins. Evelyn immediately gets up and runs after him.

EVY  
No way!

O'Connell grabs a gun and dashes after her.

EXT. AMERICAN CAMP - NIGHT

The American camp is under siege. Two-dozen MUMIA RIDERS gallop through. FIRING RIFLES. Several Diggers are killed as they run. Henderson leaps out of his tent FIRING. Beni races through the ruins and SLAMS right into O'Connell, who is obviously trying to high tail it out of there.

BENI  
Goin' somewhere?

O'CONNELL  
Of course not! I was just, err, just...hey, where were YOU goin' anyway?

BENI  
Well I was just...err, just-

O'CONNELL  
Come on lets get outta here

Ardeth Bay gallops through the camp with his scimitar.   
Jonathan is quickly loading his pistol. He hears something THUNDERING UP behind him. He spins around just as Ardeth Bay on a horse swings his scimitar. Jonathan instinctively raises his hands to protect his face, the scimitar STRIKES! Hits his gun, it flips away. O'Connell sees what is happening and at the last minute comes back to help. He draws a stick of dynamite in from his pack & lights it in the campfire as he runs past. It IGNITES. He faces Ardeth Bay, towering above him. The fuse continues to burn down. Ardeth Bay points his scimitar at O'Connell's head.

ARDETH BAY  
LEAVE THIS PLACE! ... LEAVE THIS PLACE OR DIE!

Ardeth Bay GALLOPS OFF. The remaining Mumia Riders race after him, vanishing into the night. O'Connell watches them leave, then turns to the burning fuse and blows it out, shaking slightly. Evelyn walks up, Jonathan motions to her.

JONATHAN  
You all right?

EVY  
Yeah I'm fine, just FINE. Left at the camp, HE runs off- (she points at O'Connell)

Beni crawls out from under some pillars as Henderson gets up and brushes the sand off himself.

HENDERSON  
That proves it! Old Seti's fortune's gotta be under this sand! You just know there's got to be treasure down there.

O'Connell groans and collapses (Obviously shocked at his own bravery).

Everyone just shrugs and walks off.

EXT. BASE CAMP - NIGHT

O'Connell and Evelyn are laughing hysterically, she's completely drunk. A bottle of whisky is almost gone. O'Connell offers the bottle to Evelyn; she waves it away, slurring badly--

EVY  
Na na noo, whered you getat stufff anywayz

O'Connell polishes off the bottle and chucks it away.

O'CONNELL  
I always keep a bit around

EVY  
Oh, oh reallly mistered O'Connells

O'CONNELL  
Yes reallys Miss Carnahans

EVY  
Wa? Watd you's call me's?

O'CONNELL  
Ok then, you don't take drink too well...I called you miss Carnahan because YOU keep calling Me O'Connell

EVY  
It isn'ted yours named? But youd tolds me's to…

O'CONNELL  
Yeah but its getting kinda annoying so, just call me Rick, okay?

EVY  
N' yous can call me's Evy!...Di...did you knows I'm a librarians

O'CONNELL  
No's I didn'ts

Evy  
'am

O'CONNELL  
Thats nices  
(Evelyn giggles)

O'CONNELL  
JONATHAN! Jonathan!  
(Jonathan walks over to beside the campfire)  
Good, finally, someone sane.  
(Evelyn slumps over O'Connell, completely out of it)

JONATHAN  
I don't think those guys are coming back just now.

(Looking at Evelyn) Nice blanket you got there

O'CONNELL  
Lovely, good, now could ya get your sister off me, she didn't take the drink to well.

INT. IMHOTEP'S CHAMBER - DAY

Evelyn's HAND slips the KEY into the sarcophagus, lock and turns it. A series of STRANGE MECHANICAL-LIKE SOUNDS are heard, and then the sarcophagus unlocks with a GIANT HISS. Evelyn looks very hung over. They start to slide the heavy lid off the sarcophagus. PUSHING, SHOVING, the lid budging, inch by inch.

JONATHAN  
How much exactly did you two drink?

EVY  
Well there was...and then...

O'CONNELL (flexing his fingers in pain)  
Hey, you owe me one for saving yer neck- my request is you shutup.

JONATHAN  
What? I asked a simple question-!

EVY (whispered)  
OK boys, separate corners...

O'CONNELL (Sighing)

Sorry, I-

EVY (Muttered to self)

God…

INT. ANUBIS' CHAMBER - DAY

One of the few Diggers left alive is reaching into the secret compartment. Henderson holds a gun on them. The Digger slowly pulls out the ORNATE CHEST. He sets the chest down on the sandy floor.  
Beni watches as the Egyptologist translates the hieratics.

EGYPTOLOGIST  
There is a curse upon this chest.

HENDERSON  
Who cares?

The Egyptologist gives him the evil-eye

EGYPTOLOGIST  
In these hallowed grounds, that which was set-

HENDERSON  
Yeah, yeah, okay, what's it say?

The Egyptologist slowly and carefully reads the inscription:

EGYPTOLOGIST  
"Death will come on swift wings to whomever opens this chest".

A GUST OF WIND blows through the chamber. TORCHES FLICKER  
The remaining Digger suddenly turns tail and runs off SCREAMING. Henderson suddenly looks very nervous.

EGYPTOLOGIST  
It says, there is one, the undead, who if brought back to life, is bound by sacred law to consummate this curse.

HENDERSON  
Yeah, well, let's just make sure we don't bring anybody back from the dead then, huh?

He laughs nervously

EGYPTOLOGIST  
He will kill all who open this chest, ...and assimilate their organs and fluids.

HENDERSON  
Ya mean eat 'em?

EGYPTOLOGIST  
And in so doing he will regenerate. And no longer be the undead, but a plague upon this earth.

The WIND WHISTLES. Torches FLICKER. Beni and the Egyptologist share a fear-filled look. Henderson just shrugs.

HENDERSON  
Ah hell, let's open it anyways,

INT. IMHOTEP'S CHAMBER - DAY

Imhotep's wooden coffin is DROPPED to the ground next to his stone sarcophagus.

EVY  
Come on! Come on! Come ON! Open it! Hurry!

O'CONNELL  
OK OK! I'm Hurrying! What's the rush?

Evelyn just gives him a look, then starts brushing dirt and cobwebs off the top of the coffin. Then she freezes.

EVY  
Look, all the sacred spells have been chiseled off. The hieratics and hieroglyphs that protect the deceased-

O'CONNELL (Finally snapping)  
STOP IT! I've just got over the spider webs and now, what you tellin' me? This guys cursed?

EVY  
Well, yes...

JONATHAN (ignoring them both)  
Tough break, I'm all tears, now let's see who's inside, shall we?

Jonathan inserts the key/box into the coffin's lock. Turns it. The lid cracks open with a HISS. They all react to the FOUL STENCH.

JONATHAN  
God O'Connell, this smells worse than you...

O'CONNELL  
WILL YOU-

EVY (Interrupting whilst the argument continues background)  
-Do I have to do everything myself...

She grabs the lid. It's stuck. She pulls with all her might. Jonathan turns and helps her. It starts to give way. Slowly. And then it suddenly POPS OPEN and THE ROTTEN CORPSE pops up!

O'CONNELL/EVY/JONATHAN  
AHHHHH!

They all jump back. Scared to death. Imhotep is now twisted and deformed. He slumps back into his coffin. O'Connell takes a nervous step forward

O'CONNELL

Errrrrr…Why is he wearing a party hat?

INT. ANUBIS'-CHAMBER - DAY

Henderson starts to pry at the lid of the wooden  
chest. Beni and the Egyptologist watch. In the background, Beni starts backing away, filled with fear.

BENI  
I really wouldn't...especially as it's...cursed.. (his last word is high pitched and trails off)

He turns and bolts from the chamber.

HENDERSON  
Stupid superstitious bastard.

And that's when the seal breaks, --A BLACK VAPOR BLASTS out of the chest. Everybody vanishes into the strange cloud.

INT. IMHOTEP'S CHAMBER - DAY

O'Connell, Evelyn and Jonathan slowly creep forward and carefully look back inside Imhotep's coffin, creeped-out.

JONATHAN  
Is he supposed to look like that?

EVY (fascinated)  
No. I've never seen a mummy look like this. He's more than four thousand

years old and still decomposing. With a party hat (Giving the Camera a confused look)

O'CONNELL (revolted)  
Oh god I'm gonna be sick … again…

JONATHAN (irritated)  
Well you never got a chance the first time so...(sees something) Hey, look at this.

Jonathan points at the inside of the COFFIN LID, where there are FINGERNAIL SCRATCHES and really fake blood all over the inside.

EVY (horrified)  
Oh my god, he was buried alive;

This sends a chill through everyone. Evelyn leans in closer,

EVY  
…And he left a message.

WE PUSH IN on a grouping of weird & really bad drawings WRITTEN IN PAINT.

EVY  
It says: 'Death is only the beginning

Jonathan shivers. O'Connell looks around.

Long pause, then-

O'CONNELL  
Well it'd be the end for me an' I don't wanna die just yet so I you'd excuse me I'll just be going-

JONATHAN (relaxing & blinking slightly in confusion)  
…And where exactly are you going

O'CONNELL  
Somewhere else! In case he decides to wake up. I don't wanna be the one who disturbed his beauty sleep!

JONATHAN (turning to Imhotep and raising his eyebrows slightly)  
Well I wouldn't call it BEAUTY sleep...

INT. ANUBIS' CHAMBER - DAY

The vapour is settling. Henderson has his gun aimed at the chest. The Egyptologist slowly steps up, reaches inside, and lifts out a heavy burlap bag. He sticks his hand into the bag and slowly pulls out the black BOOK OF THE DEAD.

EGYPTOLOGIST  
I have heard told of this book, but I never truly believed it existed. This is a most priceless treasure.

Henderson kicks the sandy floor in anger.

HENDERSON  
It's supposed to be made outta pure gold!

He kicks the chest. It breaks open, unfolding to reveal a lower compartment. Inside, are

Anck-su-namun's FIVE JEWEL ENCRUSTED CANOPIC JARS (one is shattered and without jewels)

EXT. BASE CAMP - NIGHT

The two camps have now joined together. O'Connell and Evelyn are roasting chunks of hairy meat over a fire. Jonathan wrinkles his nose, disgusted by the smell.

JONATHAN  
What is this stuff? It smells worse than O'Connell here! You haven't been chopping him up have you; I know he's a nuisance but leave him all his fingers.

O'Connell glares at Jonathan

O'CONNELL  
Rat gizzards. They smell bad and taste worse, but that's the best the desert has to offer.

The gloating American sits down with his jewelled jars.

HENDERSON  
Say O'Connell, whadaya think these'll fetch back home? I hear you gentlemen found yourselves a nice gooey mummy. Congratulations. If ya dry him out, you can sell him for firewood.

Henderson laughs. Evelyn drops a pile of big dusty BUG SKELETONS onto the ground.

EVY  
I found them inside our friend's coffin. Flesh eating scarabs. They can live for years eating corpses, or in this case…

She shrugs, then looks at the roasting meat

O'Connell and Jonathan stare at the bug skeletons, disgusted.

O'CONNELL  
Are you saying somebody threw these things in with our guy, and they slowly ate him alive? Listen I'd LIKE to keep my food down for five minutes but among you people-

EVY  
Very slowly.

JONATHAN  
He certainly was not a popular guy.

EVY  
According to my readings, our friend suffered the worst of all ancient Egyptian curses, one used on only as a sort of last resort. I've never read of this curse actually having been performed.

O'CONNELL  
That bad huh?

EVY  
Yes, they feared it. It's written, that if a victim of the HOM-DAI should ever arise, he would bring with him the ten plagues of Egypt.

O'CONNELL  
The ten plagues? ... You mean all ten plagues? I'd have been better off in Cairo prison...

BENI  
Like Moses used on Pharaoh?

EVY  
Yeah.

BENI  
There was frogs, flies, locusts...

JONATHAN  
Hail and fire.

HENDERSON  
The sun turning black.

O'CONNELL  
Water turning to blood... ahh I'm gonna puke

JONATHAN (Leaning into O'Connell)  
And my personal favourite: people covered in boils and sores.

O'CONNELL  
Pleeeaassee don't...

Evelyn just laughs at them, then pulls a meat stick out of the fire.

EVY  
Fried gizzard anyone?

EXT. CAMP - LATER THAT NIGHT  
Evelyn exits the temple and steps past the sleeping Diggers. She spots the Egyptologist,  
his jewelled canopic jar snug under one arm, the Book Of The Dead lying loose under the other. Evelyn stares at the Book, nervously biting her lip, then she sneaks over, carefully steals it, and quickly tiptoes away. O'Connell rolls over and sees Evelyn, sitting wide-eyed, staring at the Book.

O'CONNELL  
Hey, whatya got there? Let's see… Wait a minute,

I thought that thing was made outta gold?

EVY  
This is the book of the dead, not the book of the living.

O'CONNELL  
Heh, smartarse…

EVY  
I'm a librarian, I can't help it

O'CONNELL  
You sure you outta be playin' around with that thing?

EVY  
It's just a book.

Evelyn opens the cover. THE FIRE FLICKERS. O'Connell  
gives her a 'Don't say I didn't warn you' look. Evelyn shrugs and starts reading.

EVY  
Ahm kum Ra. Ahm kum Dei.

Evelyn continues READING THE BOOK ALOUD IN "ANCIENT EGYPTIAN" (nonsense).

INT. IMHOTEP'S CHAMBER - NIGHT

Evelyn's VOICE is OVERLAID as WE START WIDE on Imhotep's chamber and SLOWLY PUSH IN on his sarcophagus, over the lip of the coffin, then close towards Imhotep's rotten head, until it fills FRAME, --and then suddenly his hand moves to straighten his party hat.

EXT. BASE CAMP - NIGHT

The Egyptologist sits bolt upright. Quickly looks around, sees Evelyn reading the Book. He gets up and runs for her.

EGYPTOLOGIST  
NO! YOU MUST NOT-

He skids to a stop as a strange, piercing WHINE is heard, coming from out in the desert. O'Connell and the others all leap to their feet. Henderson runs out of his tent. Jonathan gets up and slowly walks forward to form a line with Evelyn, O'Connell, Henderson and the Egyptologist.

The SOUND gets LOUDER and CLOSER. And then from out of the darkness a HUGE WALL OF LOCUSTS SWIRLS into camp and envelopes everyone. Jonathan grabs Evelyn, and with O'Connell trailing behind they race for the crevice. Beni and Henderson run for the temple.  
The Egyptologist is covered in locusts. He stares at The Book Of The Dead, looking hunted.

EGYPTOLOGIST  
I need a burger…

The campfire is SUCKED UP INTO THE AIR

INT. LABYRINTH CORRIDOR - NIGHT

O'Connell, Evelyn and Jonathan race down the labyrinth, slapping at themselves and picking locusts out of their hair

O'CONNELL  
Grasshoppers! Billions of grasshoppers! The grasshopper plague! I warned you-

EVY  
They're LOCUSTS! Every so many years the locusts of Egypt have a population explosion and they all take flight, and anyway you didn't warn me you gave me a look-

JONATHAN  
What have you done, which part of the book did you read? What did it say?

EVY

What is this, 'A question of Armageddon'

Evelyn steps forward, something SQUISHES. O'Connell lowers his TORCH.

O'CONNELL  
Okay...and how about frogs?

INT. LABYRINTH PASSAGEWAY - NIGHT

Henderson, Beni and a Digger race into a passageway.

INT. LABYRINTH CORRIDOR - NIGHT

The ground under O'Connell, Evelyn and Jonathan starts to SHAKE. Then suddenly, right in front of them, --a REMOTE CONTROL SCARAB comes up OUT OF THE SAND. Starts scurrying towards them. O'Connell SCREAMS. They turn around and run

LABYRINTH STAIRCASE - NIGHT

O'Connell, Evelyn and Jonathan race up the staircase,  
just ahead of the SCARAB. Jonathan leaps out onto a pedestal. O'Connell jumps up next to him. Evelyn jumps up into a grotto on the other side of the narrow stairway. The horrible herd of vicious scarabs scurries between them. Evelyn leans back. THE WALL MOVES. Evelyn falls backwards through an opening. O'Connell and Jonathan watch the scarabs vanish up the staircase. Then they look across the way. Evelyn is gone.

JONATHAN  
EVY?

SCARAB CHAMBER - NIGHT

Evelyn sits up, shakes the sand out of her hair and looks around. It's almost PITCH BLACK. She gets up and feels her way along the dark walls. She rounds a corner. A shaft of MOONLIGHT filters in through a crack in the ceiling. A MAN stands in the middle of the room. Evelyn walks towards him. It's a digger.

EVY  
Oh thank goodness, you're with the American, aren't you?

Just as she reaches him he turns around. He has a pair of those weird goggle eyeglasses on. She backs away and she bumps into something. She spins around. It's Imhotep.  
Evelyn backs away into a wall. Imhotep SQUINTS and holds out something in his hands.

IMHOTEP  
Party hat?

LABYRINTH STAIRCASE - NIGHT

Jonathan is feeling his way around inside the grotto

JONATHAN  
Damn-it! Must be a trap door around here or something.

O'CONNELL  
Look, personally, I DON'T CARE about your lil' sis, she can look after her self, whereas we could now be SAFELY leaving, and wouldn't need to. COME ON lets GO.

JONATHAN  
No-ones keeping you here. BYE!

O'CONNELL  
Well I just thought I'd, um, wait for you and-

And then they hear MEN SCREAMING, and suddenly, Henderson, and one of the Diggers, come running down the stairs.

HENDERSON  
RUN, YOU SONS-A-BITCHES! RUUUUN!

O'Connell and Jonathan join them as they hear the remote CHITTERING scarab coming their way. The Digger suddenly trips and falls. Jonathan slows down, about to go back and help him. But it's too late. The Digger LAUGHS then SCREAMS in horror as the remote scarab runs over him, tickling him to death. Henderson and Jonathan react in horror. O'Connell's already running, races right past them.

O'CONNELL  
Now I'm really gonna be sick...

They turn and run.

SCARAB CHAMBER - NIGHT  
Imhotep steps forward, --the sand around him seems to MAGNETIZE, swirling and dancing around his flaking skeletal legs. Evelyn starts backing away, horrified, looks at the digger

EVY  
Help me, ...please, ...help me.

The digger starts to play a mouth organ.

IMHOTEP  
How about a party popper?

Evelyn shivers in fear. O'Connell comes flying around the corner and runs right up to her.

O'CONNELL  
There you are! Would you quit playin' around! Jonathan says we can't go until we find you, I've found you! Now let's get outta here already!

O'Connell sees the look in her eyes and turns around, --at the sight of Imhotep, O'Connell jumps back in fright.

O'CONNELL  
WHOA!

O'Connell and Evelyn start backing away down the wall.  
Imhotep glides sideways with them, like a tiger cornering his prey, the sand around him SWIRLS and DANCES. Imhotep suddenly lets out a horrific SHRIEK.

IMHOTEP  
Parrrrrrttttttyyyyyy!

O'Connell SCREAMS, then BLASTS him with a water pistol, then looks at it in confusion. Imhotep stumbles back. O'Connell grabs Evelyn and runs.

INT. ANUBIS' CHAMBER - NIGHT

Beni slowly backs up around Anubis, eyes wide, and gun up. He turns around, --IMHOTEP IS RIGHT THERE! Beni backs away and OPENS FIRE. Six GUNSHOTS perforate Imhotep, but have no effect except to SPLATTER molten flesh rot onto the back wall. Beni retreats into a corner. Imhotep moves forward. Beni drops his gun and grabs at the CHAIN around his neck. Imhotep's skeletal hand holds out a party hat. Beni holds up the STAR OF DAVID and blesses himself in HEBREW. Imhotep stops in his tracks. His hand lowers. He stares at Beni.

IMHOTEP  
The language of the slaves.

Imhotep takes a step back.

IMHOTEP  
I may have use for you. And the rewards will be great.

Imhotep reaches into his tattered robe, and then holds out his fetid hand, filled with streamers. Beni cringes, but then the streamers are brushed off, --revealing a tiny pile of little JEWELS. Beni's eyes widen. Imhotep raises his other hand; it holds Anck-su-namun's BROKEN CANOPIC JAR.

IMHOTEP  
Where are the other sacred jars?

EXT. CREVICE - NIGHT

SAND and WIND whip through the ruins as O'Connell and Evelyn stumble up out of the crevice and come FACE-TO-FACE WITH ARDETH BAY. O'Connell and Evelyn quickly raise their hands. Jonathan turns and grins at them nervously. Henderson and the Egyptologist are already on their knees, hands over their heads. Ardeth Bay steps forward.

ARDETH BAY  
I told you to leave or die you imbeciles! Now you may have killed us all. You unleashed the creature, the mummy. We have feared it for more than four thousand years.

O'CONNELL (To Evelyn)  
I told you not to read the book, not to open the coffin, but no-one listens to me...

ARDETH BAY  
This one has some sense, maybe not dress sense but-

O'CONNELL  
Hey-

ARDETH BAY  
No normal weapons can kill this creature. He is not of this world.

O'CONNELL  
Are we talkin, about the same creature? The walking corpse?

Really big mouth? Really bad breath?

ARDETH BAY  
Now leave, all of you, quickly, before he finishes you all.

O'CONNELL  
You're not going to kill us?

Jonathan elbows O'Connell in the ribs.

ARDETH BAY  
We must now hunt him down, and try and find a way to kill him.

Ardeth Bay starts heading down into the crevice.  
O'Connell yells at them, trying to convince himself-

O'CONNELL  
I already got him!

Ardeth Bay stops and looks back.

ARDETH BAY  
Know this, the creature will be coming for you.

He will never sleep, and he will never stop partying.

I suggest you get the hell outta here.

(Everybody seems mildly confused by the 'partying' comment)

Ardeth Bay turns and jumps down into the crevice.

EXT. RUINS - NIGHT

O'Connell and Jonathan boost Evelyn up onto a camel. Henderson gets up onto another. The Egyptologist, still clutching The Book Of The Dead, gets up on yet another.

They all head off into the dark, windblown desert ...  
A skeletal hand suddenly punches up out of the sand, with a shriek of-

IMHOTEP  
Parrrrrrrtttttyyyyy!

BRITISH FORT - CAIRO – DAY INT. EVELYN'S QUARTERS

A steamer trunk is slammed to the floor and thrown open. Jonathan chucks a load of DRESSES into the trunk.

JONATHAN  
I thought you didn't believe in this stuff?

Jonathan heads for the closet. Evelyn UNPACKS the dresses

EVY  
Well having an encounter with a four thousand year old-

JONATHAN  
Forget it, just forget, look we're out the door, down the hall and gone.

EVY  
No, we're not,

JONATHAN

Why-

There is a quiet knock on the already open door as O'Connell comes in. Jonathan throws a handful of Evelyn's stuff into the trunk

O'CONNELL  
I, er, heard all the commotion, so are we goin'?

JONATHAN  
Yes

EVY  
NO

Jonathan continues to PACK Evelyn's clothes as she continues to UNPACK them:

EVY  
No we are not. We woke him up, and we must try and stop him.

O'CONNELL (Surprised & confused)  
We! What we! WE didn't read that book. I told you not to play around with that thing.

EVY  
You gave me a look, but all right then, Me, I, ...I read the book, I woke him up and I intend to stop him.

Jonathan angrily chucks more dresses into the trunk.

JONATHAN  
How? You heard the man; no mortal weapons can kill this guy.

Evelyn grabs the dresses and throws them into a drawer.

O'CONNELL  
Nice dresses

EVY (sarcastic)  
Thanks, they'd suit you.

(To Jonathan)

Well then we'll-

O'CONNELL (interrupting)  
Ya think? I-

EVY (Glaring at O'Connell)  
We'll have to find some immortal ones.

O'CONNELL  
There goes that we again. Not me, I am outta here!

O'Connell joins Jonathan and stuffs a pile of Evelyn's shoes into the trunk. Evelyn FLICKS the lid shut, slamming it on his fingers. O'Connell YELPS and angrily storms around the room sucking his fingers as Evelyn follows him.

EVY  
According to that Book, once this creature has been reborn,

his curse will spread, and as he grows in strength, so will his curse grow,

Infecting the people until the whole of the earth is destroyed.

O'CONNELL  
Yeah? So? Is that My problem?

EVY (stating the obvious)  
It's everybody's problem!

JONATHAN  
She is right, but there isn't much we can do about it at the moment.

O'CONNELL  
Look lady... I appreciate you saving my life and all,

but when I signed on, I agreed to take you out there and bring you back,

and I did, now were even, end of job, end of story.

You can either tag along with me, or you can stay here

and play around with Mister Maggot breath.

JONTHAN  
O'Connell, look can't you think about someone else for five-

O'CONNELL  
Of course, you can come to I mean I don't mind...

EVY  
Oh PLEASE SAVE IT. Well I'm staying.

JONATHAN  
Well if sis is stayin' then so am I.

Evy  
Thanks Jonathan.

O'CONNELL  
FINE

O'Connell storms out and SLAMS the door. A BEAT. Then the door opens and O'Connell's hand reaches back in and throws a dress to the floor. SLAM goes the door.

EXT. BRITISH FORT COMPOUND - DAY

O'Connell angrily runs through the compound. He sees Beni coming up the path with a MAN dressed in hooded robes, his face covered by a death mask. Imhotep.

O'CONNELL  
Beni, where did you slink off to?

BENI  
You left me! You left me in the desert to rot.

O'CONNELL  
Oh yeah... sorry bout that. Clean forgot about you. Can't think why.. Something about you leaving me to be killed by tauregs...  
(gestures to Imhotep)  
So who's this guy?

BENI  
This is Prince Imhotep, High Priest of Osiris.

O'CONNELL  
THATS a big title. How ya doin'?

O'Connell sticks out his hand, --Imhotep instantly recoils. O'Connell gives him the once-over. Beni quickly covers.

BENI  
The Prince does not like to be touched by other humans.

A Silly eastern superstition, I'm afraid.

O'CONNELL  
Yeah, well, we all got our little problems today don't we?

BENI  
He has come to help Mr Henderson.

(Vague)

He got a few scarab bites,

Somehow I feel responsible.

O'CONNELL  
Don't gimme that, you never had any scruples.

BENI  
Do you know where I can steal some?

O'Connell fake-punches him. Beni flinches.  
O'Connell gives Imhotep a look as he strides off.

O'CONNELL  
See ya around.

Imhotep's grotesque new eyes glare out from behind the mask.

INT. CASBAH - DAY

Three shot glasses clink together. O'Connell, Jonathan and Henderson drink the shots then-all three of them instantly SPIT OUT the liquid. Half the bar SPITS OUT their drinks as well.

HENDERSON  
Sweet Jesus! That tasted just like, ...like...

O'CONNELL  
Tomato juice? No, wait…

They all look at each other, even more nervous.

JONATHAN  
"And the rivers and waters of Egypt went red and were as blood."

A look passes over O'Connell's face, a realization.

O'CONNELL  
On the contrary Watson, that is the least of our problems. He's here …

He suddenly jumps away from the bar and runs for the door.

JONATHAN  
Who's here?

O'CONNELL  
The guy! The Priest! THE MUMMY! Priest...Shit Rick you've really done it now …

EXT. BRITISH FORT COMPOUND - DAY

LIGHTNING FLASHES as O'Connell and Jonathan race across the compound.

JONATHAN  
Evy! EVELYYYYNN!

EXT. BRITISH FORT COURTYARD - DAY

Evelyn calmly steps into a courtyard carrying a handful of books. Then a HAND GRABS HER! She jumps and drops the books. It's Jonathan, breathing hard, O'Connell in tow.

JONATHAN  
We got problems.

And that's when people in black shades appear on the roofs and throwing ice cubes and mini firebombs. O'Connell and Evelyn and Jonathan jump back. Jonathan, O'Connell and Evelyn run under the eaves as SOLDIERS, SERVANTS and CAMELS run in every direction, trying to avoid the maelstrom.

O'CONNELL  
Tomato juice! I mean, he's here! I saw him!

That thing is here! I SPOKE to it!

EVY  
The creature? Are you sure?

O'Connell gives her an incredulous look and gestures at the 'HAIL and FIRE.'

O'CONNELL  
Errrr…Hail and fire? Sort of…

The HAIL and FIRE comes to a stop. Everything goes dead quiet. Jonathan and Evelyn freeze. And then a BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM is heard coming from the living quarters directly above them. They race up the stairs, O'Connell in tow.

INT. HENDERSONS QUARTERS - DAY

They race into the room, then skid to a stop as they see Henderson backing away from Imhotep. He is even more regenerated. Evelyn gasps.

EVY  
He must have fully drained that digger...

JONATHAN  
Yeah, and he's about to do the same to Henderson!

HENDERSON  
Wouldya quit talkin' 'bout me like that and help me  
for gods sake!

O'Connell fires his gun repeatedly at Imhotep. It has no affect, but Imhotep turns towards O'Connell and, without touching him, sends him flying backwards into Jonathan.

O'CONNELL  
Thanks for the soft landing.

JONATHAN  
Yeah, no problem. Now could you-

O'CONNELL  
Yeah, yeah, I know. Get of you...

O'Connell scrambles to his feet and brushes himself off. Jonathan pushes himself to his feet and turns to Imhotep.

JONATHAN  
Right then...  
(He lifts his gun)  
Hey! UGLY!

Imhotep turns to Jonathan and begins to stride towards him. A cat jumps up onto the table and Imhotep shrieks. He spins and blasts out the door. Henderson is still in the corner, shaking slightly. Jonathan lowers his gun slowly.

HENDERSON (Shaky)  
This ...This is all your bloody fault O'Connell...

EVY  
There is only one person who can help us now, and he won't want to...

CAIRO MUSEUM - DAY

Everyone runs round the corner, then stops as they see the curator talking to Ardeth Bay. O'Connell almost falls over Jonathan as he slows and points at Ardeth.

JONATHAN  
You…

Ardeth turns.

ARDETH BAY  
Aaah, right on time.

O'Connell joins Jonathan and points at Ardeth

O'CONNELL  
Hey…You're the one who said-

EVY  
Yes, yes, what a happy reunion. Well, you can both have a good squabble about fashion sense or whatever later. Right now I want to know what's going on.

JONATHAN  
Agreed.

O'CONNELL  
Whatever he says.

JONATHAN  
Shut-it.

O'CONNELL  
OK.

HENDERSON  
Look, can we just get on with it? Who are you guys anyway?

The Curator sits down.

CURATOR  
We...are part of the ancient cult of the Mumia.

For thousands of years we have guarded Hamunaptra - the city of the dead.

We are sworn to do all in our power to stop

the high priest Imhotep from being raised.

ARDETH BAY  
But you just had to read from that harmless book...

O'CONNELL  
I TOLD her not to. For what it's worth I'M sorry for the part I played in this.

JONATHAN  
Stop sucking up, Ok? They have to help us get rid of it - you heard the guy.

Well what else can you tell us? Why's he scared of cats?

CURATOR  
Because cats are the guardians of the underworld,

and also that terrifying Bacardi Breezer commercial…

With the dancing cat? Never mind…

He will fear them until he's regenerated, then he'll be scared of nothing.

He will suck the life from those who opened the chest,

then he will raise the one he has loved for thousands of years. Anck-su-namun

The Curator turns to Evelyn.

CURATOR  
And as you - in your wisdom, read from that 'Harmless' book.

You will be the human sacrifice to regenerate her.

JONATHAN  
Pardon? I'm sorry I don't think I heard you quite right,

because no-one is going to touch my sister.

ARDETH BAY  
If you say so.  
(He turns to the window)  
It will begin tonight, with the eclipse.

EXT. EVELYNS FOYER - NIGHT / DAY

EVY  
He mustn't be allowed to regenerate, who opened the chest?

HENDERSON  
Let's see there was me, that poor digger...oh and the Egyptologist fella.

O'CONNELL  
What 'bout Beni?

HENDERSON  
Na, He was sensible.

JONATHAN  
Right , well we gotta get Mr Egypt back here where it's safe

before Bandage gets to him...Evy, you stay here,

Henderson and ...O'Connell I guess...You two come with me.

All at once

HENDERSON  
I'm not goin' anywhere! We're safe here-

O'CONNELL  
Thanks for you're faith in me, 'least someone thinks I can help-

EVY  
Who put YOU in charge! You can't just leave me behind! You're my brother! You know I-

JONATHAN  
OK!

He shoves her into her bedroom and slams the door, locking it. You can hear Evelyn hammering on it. He chucks the key to Henderson

JONATHAN  
Guard this door with your life or lose it. O'Connell...You're with me.

CAIRO ALLEYWAYS-BAZARR. NIGHT/DAY

The Egyptologist stumbles into dark alleyways, clutching the book of the dead and his sacred canopic jars. Imhotep stalks him.

EGYPTOLOGISTS OFFICE-NIGHT/DAY

Beni is ransacking the place.

O'CONNELL (O.S)  
Well, well, well.

Beni spins round. Jonathan and O'Connell stand in the doorway.

JONATHAN  
Lemme guess, spring-cleaning?

O'Connell strides over, Beni walks across to him. O'Connell shoves Beni against the wall and pins him there. Jonathan uncrosses his arms and walks over.

JONATHAN  
Wow O'Connell I'm impressed, didn't know ya had it in ya.

O'CONNELL  
I've been practising specially.

BENI  
Look, wouldya get off me?

JONATHAN  
Where's you're new friend Beni?

BENI  
What, you mean bugs fer brains?

JONATHAN (moving to sit in a office chair then wheeling himself over in it)  
What is it you're looking for?

BENI  
The book of the dead. He needs it to raise his dead girly friend and I intend to stop him-

O'CONNELL  
If ya ask me that thing is causin' way too much trouble

JONATHAN  
Well no-one asked you so...Hang on a second,

Beni I thought you were the bad guy working with Imhotep...?

(Muttered to self)

WHY can't they make scripts simple, or at least easy to understand?

MAN (O.S)  
This is Hollywood mate, get used to it.

O'CONNELL turns as he hears a scream from the Bazaar

O'CONNELL  
Here's Buggy!

BENI  
And that's my cue ta go; make sure he doesn't get the book!

O'CONNELL  
Why can't you do that! Lazy ass.

EXT. BAZAAR DAY/NIGHT

Down in the bazaar, people are SCREAMING and quickly backing away from the shrivelled CORPSE OF THE EGYPTOLOGIST. A partially decayed HAND reaches down and takes the sacred canopic jar out of the Egyptologist's shrivelled hand.

INT. EGYPTOLOGISTS OFFICE – DAY/NIGHT

O'Connell and Jonathan look at each other, panicked.

O'CONNELL

Damn-it! That's two down and only two ta go!

JONATHAN

And then they'll be after Evy

Jonathan turns and races out of the office. O'Connell hangs back.

O'CONNELL

Remind me once more why we care about Evy?

JONATHAN (O.S)

'Cos she's my sister!

INT. EVELYN'S FOYER – DAY/NIGHT

Henderson sits in a chair next to Evelyn's door looking wired with fear.

HENDERSON

The hell with this, I'm goin' downstairs to get me a drink. Ya want somethin'?

EVY (Faintly through door)

No thanks…

Henderson nods and heads out.

A BREEZE comes in through the open window. The curtains flutter. Imhotep steps into view. He steps up to Evelyn's door, rattles the knob. It's locked.

INT. EVELYN'S ROOM – DAY/NIGHT

Evelyn is asleep in her room as SAND begins streaming in through her keyhole, pouring onto the floor, forming a large mound. Then the mound is gone and in its place are Imhotep and a small sandcastle. He bends and puts a flag in it's top.

INT. FOYER – DAY/NIGHT

O'Connell and Jonathan race into the foyer and skid to a halt as they see Henderson is not there. Jonathan runs up to Evelyn's door and rattles the knob, still locked. He bends down and looks in through the KEYHOLE.

EVELYN'S ROOM – DAY/NIGHT

The door starts to CRASH and BANG and you hear O'Connell cursing. Imhotep ignores it. The door BURSTS open. Evelyn wakes up, sees Imhotep standing by her and shoves him away.

EVY

It's not good manners to sneak around a lady's bedroom in the dark,

didn't you're mother ever teach you?

Imhotep turns angrily to face O'Connell and Jonathan.

O'CONNELL (Pointing at Jonathan)

It was his idea, nothing to do with me.

In my opinion you can have the girl, never liked her.

EVY

Thanks!

O'CONNELL

You're welcome.

Imhotep starts to move for O'Connell.

O'CONNELL

Errrr…A little help here guys?

JONATHAN

Should we help him?

EVY

Go on, he can carry stuff later.

JONATHAN  
Hey! Look who I brought to meet you.

He throws a white cat at Imhotep. Imhotep instinctively catches it. He SHRIEKS, drops the cat and stumbles back towards the door. Imhotep spins out.

Henderson walks in, looks around…and drops the drinks glass.

HENDERSON

We gotta do somethin'! We gotta do somethin' NOW!

Before it's too late!

O'CONNELL

Can't we take a quick holiday first?

Hey, Jonathan, I've got this house up in the Lake District-

JONATHAN

Oh god SHUTUP!

Pause

EVY  
Well now THAT'S no way to behave.

Jonathan stares at Evelyn and she grins, then turns to Henderson

EVY

Museum of Antiquities.

EXT. CAIRO BAZAAR – DAY/NIGHT

Imhotep strolls through the streets heading for the museum, Beni is at his side looking very nervous.

INT MUSEUM OF ANTIQUITIES – DAY/NIGHT

O'Connell, Jonathan, Henderson and Ardeth Bay follow Evelyn as she strides through the museum.

EVY

Last month I came across an inscription that

mentioned the book of the dead

HENDERSON

The book we found at Hamunaptra?

EVY

Yes. I ignored it because it talked of bringing

people back from the dead. A notion I was unwilling

to believe

O'Connell starts to laugh quietly. Evelyn glares at him.

EVY

What's so funny?

O'CONNELL

It's just the way you talk sometimes…

(Trailing off) 'A notion I was unwilling to…'

HENDERSON

Can we get on with this quickly please?

I have a plane leaving in two hours and I'd like ta make it.

O'CONNELL

Really? Where're ya goin?

ARDETH BAY (Looking in confusion at them)

SHUT UP THE TWO OF YOU. Ok then, quick run through.

He's got the book of the dead and now he's going to use it

to bring his girlfriend back. If he succeeds the two of them

together will bring about the apocalypse.

O'CONNELL

Oh god cheer up will you

Ardeth Bay is about to say something then he stops himself. He joins Evelyn at her side as she heads up the stairs.

ARDETH BAY

Only at the moment of Anck-su-namun's resurrection will

he be unbeatable.

They reach the display cases. Evelyn quickly opens them.

EVY

I'm thinking if the black book of the dead can bring

people back to life-

Jonathan steps up to her.

JONATHAN

Then the golden book of the living can get rid of them!

ARDETH BAY

Yes, perhaps it can return him to the underworld.

O'Connell takes a step forward.

O'CONNELL

So what you're sayin' is if we find the book made outta

gold, the book of the living-

ARDETH BAY

-And read the secret incantations-

O'CONNELL

Yes, yes and read all them Egyptian spell thingys-

ARDETH BAY

-Incantations-

O'CONNELL

Ok, incantations. You think it'll send this guy back to hell?

ARDETH BAY

Yes, hopefully.

Evelyn and Ardeth quickly sort through some pieces of broken stone tablets. Eventually Evelyn pulls out a large piece.

EVY

Here, got it!

O'CONNELL

What? What'd you find? I don't even know what

you where looking for (looking around at everyone)

Did anyone here know what she was looking for?

EVY (while quickly translating the tablet)

The book of the dead was in Anubis so the book of the living is-

HENDERSON

Yes? Hurry it up will you!

Evelyn lowers the piece of tablet, glaring at Henderson

EVY

Horus.

HENDERSON

Pardon?

ARDETH BAY

Horus is to the east of the Anubis statue.

O'CONNELL (turning to look out window)

Hell! We gotta go back out THERE! With the, the THING!

And all the, the STUFF!

ARDETH BAY

If you want to kill the…THING…yes

O'Connell turns from the window

O'CONNELL

Err guys, we've got trouble…

The front door BURSTS open, Imhotep walks into the museum.

EXT. MUSEUM OF ANTIQUITIES – NIGHT

Everyone sneaks out of some bushes, heading quickly down the road.

Beni steps out of the museum and sees them. He smiles at them and waves them on, looking up at the museum. Suddenly Imhotep is looking out from the upper window, he snarls angrily.

BENI

Oh dear……….

EXT. BAZAAR – NIGHT/DAY

Everyone runs down the narrow streets. Imhotep is walking slowly and calmly behind them.

Then Henderson stops and starts rummaging in his pockets, continually looking up at Imhotep. Jonathan stops and looks back at Henderson but O'Connell grabs him as he runs past and pulls him on. Finally Henderson pulls out his Jewel incrusted SACRED CANOPIC JARS. He holds them out for Imhotep as he walks up. Imhotep takes them; Henderson relaxes taking this as a sign that he wont be killed

Jonathan and O'Connell stop and look back as you hear Henderson scream. O'Connell starts and grabs Jonathan's arm.

O'CONNELL

C'mon! C'mon! Let's go! Let's go!

They continue running until they hit a dead end. O'Connell looks frantically around for some way to escape. They turn around and Imhotep steps up – having fully regenerated.

O'CONNELL

God he walks fast.

O'Connell grabs some dynamite and a match, striking it against the wall. Ardeth Bay shakes his head.

ARDETH BAY

Ha! You think that'll work?

O'CONNELL

It worked on you.

Ardeth glares at O'Connell

ARDETH BAY

He has completed the curse,

Now all he need do is raise Anck-su-namun

and he will be unbeatable, a new beginning for them

and the end for us.

O'CONNELL

I told you to cheer up!

Imhotep moves forward. O'Connell lights the fuse. Imhotep steps up to O'Connell and watches it burn down. The LIT FUSE is about to vanish inside the stick of dynamite when Evelyn licks her fingers and snuffs it out. O'Connell relaxes

Imhotep holds out his hand to Evelyn. Beni out of the shadows.

BENI

Take his hand and he will spare the others…

Except maybe O'Connell…

O'CONNELL

Hey—

EVY

Any bright ideas anyone? No? Well then…

Evelyn reaches out to take Imhotep's hand, Jonathan moves to stop her and O'Connell moves to stop him—but Ardeth Bay grabs them both

ARDETH BAY

Don't be stupid…

EVY

Bye then!

Evelyn grabs his hand and steps up to him. Imhotep turns and sticks his tongue out at Jonathan.

JONATHAN

Wait, this isn't right…

O'CONNELL

I know, I was sure this wasn't a dead end when I came down here…

JONATHAN

No, it really isn't right, look…

(He draws a copy of the script from a bag that was just off screen)

look, (pointing at script)

she's supposed to hesitate and make feeble jokes…

Haha, but at least Imy forget to take the-

(Imhotep rips the key box out of Jonathans upper pocket)

Key…

Imhotep walks off slowly with her into the shadows. At the last minute Evelyn turns back and shouts:-

EVY

If you don't rescue me I'll haunt you guys

for the rest of your Lives!

They disappear into the dark.

JONATHAN

We need to get her back

O'CONNELL

For once I agree, I don't want a ghost and

a mummy chasing me.

O'Connell turns to Ardeth Bay

O'CONNELL

You know where he's taking her?

ARDETH BAY

Yes. (putting on dramatic voice)

The master meets with the demon 

_of the mausoleum, plotting plots _

_of purest evil……_

O'CONNELL

And really he is …..?

ARDETH BAY

I was just trying to put some drama into it…

O'CONNELL

We got enough of that already…

ARDETH BAY

He will take her to Hamunaptra to perform the ritual

to revive Anck-su-namun.

O'CONNELL

Which is done by…?

ARDETH BAY

Reading the book of the dead

O'CONNELL

Ah yes, of course that thing.

ARDETH BAY (Pointing at Jonathan)

Then killing his sister.

O'CONNELL

Ah, yes I can see were the problem lies…

O'Connell looks across to Jonathan

ARDETH BAY

Imhotep can now cross the desert very fast

If he arrives before us, it may be too late.

SAHARA - DAY

Imhotep looks up into the sky, listening carefully. Evelyn shakes the sand out of her hair and look at Beni.

EVY

What just happened?

BENI

Something sandy

Then they hear a plane and look up.

HAMUNAPTRA – NIGHT/DAY

O'Connell, Jonathan and Ardeth Bay look out over the ruins of Hamunaptra

O'CONNELL

Ok, what the hell's this Horus look like?

JONATHAN

Big, pointy ears, face kinda like a falcon

O'CONNELL

Right.

HAMUNAPTRA STAIRWAY – NIGHT/DAY

Carrying TORCHES O'Connell, Jonathan and Ardeth Bay make they're way down a long winding staircase.

ARDETH BAY (Puzzled)

I have a question, how did we get here so fast?

O'CONNELL

We caught a 747

ARDETH BAY

Right…

O'CONNELL (Grinning)

Movie magic…

NECROPOLIS – NIGHT/DAY

Evelyn follows Imhotep into the underground cemetery. She stops, Beni shoves his rifle into her back and pushes her forward.

BENI

Keep moving.

All three of them walk over the bridge crossing the DISGUSTING MOAT. Evelyn looks down at it.

EVY

Oh lovely…

INT. PASSAGE – NIGHT/DAY

Jonathan and Ardeth Bay are busy digging out a collapsed doorway. O'Connell notices a AMETHYST scarab on the far wall

O'CONNELL

Hey, look…

He walks over and tries to jiggle it free, it comes loose in his hand. He looks at the scarab in his palm. It starts to glow.

O'CONNELL

Hey, Johnny! Come take a look at this!

JONATHAN

Don't call me Johnny…

Something starts to wiggle inside it and he jumps slightly and flicks it onto the floor. He watches it for a minute, looks around then starts to freak out and scream.

O'CONNELL

Ahhh! What the hell is it its in my arm HELLLPP!

Jonathan continues with what he is doing, ignoring O'Connell. Ardeth Bay looks from Jonathan to O'Connell, shakes his head then continues digging. Then, distantly they hear-

EVY (distant shouting)

Well, aren't you going to help him?

Jonathan looks 'round, confused, then walks across to the right and out of the set, round the corner and sees Evelyn sitting on a alter with a guy eating a sandwich and someone else finishing painting the set.

JONATHAN (confused)

Errrr…He's faking…

He walks back to his part of the set. O'Connell has stopped screaming.

O'CONNELL

Well you're no fun.

Jonathan fires a shot dangerously close to O'Connell's foot.

JONATHAN

From now on leave everything alone ok?

You can just watch and only help when I ask you.

Now stop being so ANNOYING!

INT. CEMETERY - NIGHT/DAY

The gunshot echoes into the cemetery as Evelyn, Beni and Imhotep step up to the alter.

IMHOTEP

Oh god not them…

Beni and Evelyn shoot startled glances at him.

Imhotep prepares the altar whilst Beni holds his gun on Evelyn and speaks to her quietly.

BENI

Sorry it had to be like this, Prince Imhotep

wants your heart, your brain, your liver,

your kidneys and your intestines.

EVY

Ugh, please, couldn't he use someone else?

Imhotep smiles at her

IMHOTEP

No

He walks off into the mausoleums. Beni nervously glances around.

TREASURE CHAMBER – NIGHT/DAY

Jonathan squeezes through a small crevice in the wall and drops to the floor. He picks up the gunnysack, something glints. O'Connell and Ardeth Bay crawl in behind him. It's a huge chamber, supposedly a treasure chamber, but it just has small piles of chocolate coins dotted about. It takes a moment to register with Jonathan who bends and picks one up, looks at it, then throws it down violently.

JONATHAN

Chocolate!

O'CONNELL (Falling to his knees)

We've been robbed!

Where's all the gold?

Jonathan controls himself and goes to stand next to O'Connell, puts a hand on his shoulder.

JONATHAN

You know Rick; there are some things in the world

More important than gold and riches.

O'CONNELL

Really?

JONATHAN

NO!

(Falling to his knees next to O'Connell)

Where is it!

ARDETH BAY

Oh dear…

He grabs them both under the arms and drags them backwards from the room into the next passageway while the moan things like Where is it? and The gold!

Just as the sound of their voices dies out Beni creeps into the chamber. He stares at the small piles of chocolate coins. Then, he jumps on one of the piles and begins to stuff his face.

INT. CEMETERY – NIGHT/DAY

Evelyn wakes up lying chained to the top of the altar. She blinks, then turns her head, - - and looks right into the face of Anck-su-namun's corpse. Evelyn rolls her eyes and sighs.

INT. LABYRINTH PASSAGES – NIGHT/DAY

Jonathan and O'Connell are dragged round the corner into the - -

HORUS CHAMBER – NIGHT/DAY

- -A small chamber. The lower half of the statue of Horus stands in the middle of the chamber.

JONATHAN (detaching himself from Ardeth and getting up)

There he is!

O'Connell gets up as well and they run to the base of the statue.

O'CONNELL

That's Horus? Right, lets get digging…

They all start digging away at the seams of the secret compartment apart from O'Connell who is brushing dirt and dust from something else in the corner of the room.

O'CONNELL

Hey, er, what's this?

Jonathan looks across at part of a giant ring, which is only partially visible where it has been cleaned.

JONATHAN

Ah, it's just a Stargate leave it.

Focus on O'Connell and stargate for a short burst of stargate sg1 theme tune then cut suddenly as: -

JONATHAN (Panting)

Hey, come on help us dig!

Ardeth Bay goes to stand guard at another entrance.

Jonathan is breathing heavily from the heat and exertion. The seam is starting to give

O'CONNELL

Look, I'm getting hot as well let's just sit for a bit, ok?

Jonathan nods, they go and sit away from the seam near the stargate.

Just as they sit a burst of acid sprays out of the seam and hits the far wall before dying down and disappearing into the sand with a water-down-the-plughole noise.

Jonathan turns slowly and stares at O'Connell.

JONATHAN

O'Connell, you're my lucky charm.

O'CONNELL

Good or bad?

O'Connell and Jonathan lever upon the compartment with a gun and pull out and ornate chest. O'Connell rips of the lid and pulls out a HEAVY BURLAP BAG.

He nervously hands it to Jonathan who gives him an annoyed look, then carefully reaches inside it and slowly pulls out the SOLID GOLD BOOK OF THE LIVING - GOLDEN LIGHT plays on their faces as they stare at it

JONATHAN

There's the gold…

EXT. HAMUNAPTRA RUINS – NIGHT/DAY

Outside, Beni staggers slowly towards a camel and starts to climb up. He stops, looks back at the temple door. Then he scurries back.

INT. CEMETERY – NIGHT/DAY

Evelyn struggles. Then suddenly Anck-su-namun's crusty EYELIDS suddenly POP OPEN. Evelyn stares at her in disbelief. Anck-su-namun's rotted head turns and looks at Evelyn with

empty sockets. Evelyn pulls a disgusted face, then she notices Imhotep holding the ancient sacrificial knife.

IMHOTEP

I warn you, I flunked med school

He raises it up over Evelyn's chest, about to plunge it down. Evelyn's eyes widen in horror and that's when O'Connell and Jonathan BURST IN. Imhotep spins around and faces them.

Jonathan beams as he holds up the golden Book Of The Living.

JONATHAN

I found it, Evy! I found it

EVY

I don't care anymore this guy means business!

JONATHAN

Oh yeah, um, Rick! Kill! (Pointing at Imhotep)

O'Connell grabs an ancient sword out of a statue's hand. Imhotep steps forward. O'Connell STRIKES the sacrificial knife out of his hand. Jonathan struggles to open the book, he can't.

O'Connell swings his sword down at Evelyn. One chain breaks free. He looks around but no-one is trying to stop him so he shrugs and walks around to the next. Imhotep is watching Jonathan and grinning. Jonathan spots a series of SOLID GOLD, FOUR-SIDED LOCKS along the binder. It hits him like lightning--

JONATHAN

We need the key! I need to read from the book to kill him!

Imhotep grabs the KEY/BOX hanging from a chain around his neck, rips it off and shoves it into his pocket. He picks up the sacrificial sword, turns from O'Connell and heads for Jonathan. O'Connell swings his sword down again, Evelyn now has one hand and one leg free, she sits there looking bored, swinging her free leg. Jonathan quickly starts translating the cover inscription, not too well.

JONATHAN

Nonsense-something-something.

Bla-di-bla im hatu vegitabalis, ummmmm--?

Rasheem Aaaaa ANUBIS!

A dog runs on stage and starts barking at O'Connell and Imhotep

JONATHAN (muttered)

Oh…My…God…I'm just NOT here…

(Muttered)Dumb ass directors…

(From O.S. "I heard that!")

JONATHAN

What is going on with this MOVIE?

Imhotep leaves Jonathan and heads for the Dog. O'Connell leaps over and with one last swing of the sword, frees Evelyn from her chains. Evelyn jumps off the altar and starts to head for Jonathan, a HAND grabs her. It's Anck-su-namun's. Evelyn reacts. Imhotep looks at the dog, points to O'Connell and in ANCIENT EGYPTIAN commands him to attack. 'Anubis' moves for O'Connell, O'Connell quickly backs away.

O'CONNELL

Jonathan I hate dogs!

JONATHAN

Any last words Rick?

O'CONNELL

A request, pretend I said something

deep clever and meaningful.

EVY

Jonathan! Finish the inscription, idiot!

JONATHAN

Oh. Yeah, right.

Anck-su-namun ATTACKS Evelyn. Jonathan quickly looks back at the hieroglyphs on the book cover.

JONATHAN

Hooty imy Ahmenophusy!

The dog instantly freezes in its tracks. O'Connell slides away from it. Evelyn SHOVES Anck-su-namun away as Jonathan shouts something at the dog in Egyptian. It turns and makes for Anck-su-namun, pulls at her bandages and unravels her completely into a pile of bandages. Imhotep SHRIEKS in rage and horror, then turns and angrily heads for Jonathan. Jonathan starts moving away towards Evelyn. O'Connell leaps to his feet, sword in hand and runs for Imhotep. Imhotep grabs Jonathan. O'Connell runs up and swings his sword at Imhotep and clangs it against the wall by his head. Imhotep drops Jonathan and spins around, facing O'Connell.

O'CONNELL

OY! I'm trying to be selfless for once in my life!

I'm taking risks and stuff and not high tailing it outta

here like I'd really like to!

Imhotep grabs O'Connell THROWS him half way across the room. O'Connell SLAMS into a gravestone, bounces off and crashes to the ground. Imhotep is already striding towards him. Jonathan lifts up his hand, he has the KEY/BOX back. He smiles at Evelyn, she runs across to him. O'Connell staggers to his feet. Imhotep approaches, rage in his eyes

Jonathan lifts up the heavy gold book, then Evelyn starts furiously working the key into the series of locks, unlocking each of them. The golden Book Of The Living opens with a HISS. Jonathan holds it as Evelyn quickly turns the heavy gold pages. Looking for something.

O'Connell turns to run. Imhotep grins, says something in ANCIENT EGYPTIAN.

Evelyn turns and faces Imhotep and reads an inscription properly for once:

EVY

Kadeesh mal! Kadeesh mal

Pared oos! PARED OOS

Imhotep pivots and looks at Evelyn, then he looks over at the bog, which starts to BUBBLE and SHIFT. And then suddenly a SMALL MAN IN A DRESSING GOWN appears. He is sitting at a table reading a paper and drinking tea. He suddenly looks up at them.

TEA MAN (Startled but not surprised)

Oh! Not again…. Hello, umm, tea-break anyone?

Imhotep let's go of O'Connell, who falls to the ground.

TEA MAN (Standing up)

I'm afraid this sort of thing happens rather a lot. Sorry, it's my fault.

What was supposed to happen?

EVY

Umm, well, I think a load of spirits of Egyptian gods

were kinda supposed to appear and make that guy (Pointing at Imhotep)

either mortal or dead.

TEA MAN

Well I don't think I'm an Egyptian god, unless of course

there's a god of tea and sandwiches. I'll try and fix it.

He disappears and blood starts to drip from a cut in Imhotep's arm.

O'CONNELL

Who was that?

EVY (Confused at first)

I have no idea…………..Look, Imhotep's mortal!

O'Connell swings the sword. Imhotep jerks back. The sword scrapes across and a swath of blood appears across Imhotep's chest. Imhotep touches the blood on his chest.

IMHOTEP

Ughh…..I hate the site of blood……….

O'CONNELL

Errr…ugh…so do I…

Jonathan steps forward to say something, trips and falls throwing The Book of The Living into the bog. Evelyn watches dejectedly as the golden book sinks.

EVY

You idiot…

O'Connell pulls a disgusted face as he runs Imhotep through with the sword, then shoves him backwards. Imhotep stumbles back and falls into the bog, the sword still in his stomach.

Evelyn and Jonathan run up next to O'Connell. They watch Imhotep gently sink into the swamp, slowly dying. And then, just before his head goes under, Imhotep looks up at

them, grins broadly, and says something in ANCIENT EGYPTIAN. Evelyn translates:-

EVY

Errrrr…that's all folks

Imhotep's grinning face vanishes under the goo.

STAFF CHAMBER - DAY

Beni staggers across a chamber, daylight flicking in now. He has a small bag of melting chocolate coins with him. He sees a staff sticking out of the wall, and leans heavily on it. A BEAT, and then the staff clicks down and Beni almost falls over. It starts a CHAIN-REACTION. Beni backs away from the wall.

BENI

Whoops…Now what?

A flap in the ceiling opens and marshmallows pour out. Beni laughs insanely. Then ALL THE WALLS START TO SINK INTO THE GROUND. Driven by tons of pouring sand.

Beni fills bags with marshmallows and runs out of the chamber.

CEMETERY - DAY

O'Connell, Evelyn and Jonathan look around as all the walls start to DESCEND. Jonathan grabs Evelyn's hand.

JONATHAN

Let's get outta here!

He pulls her forward and all three of them race into a descending doorway.

INT. TREASURE CHAMBER - DAY

O'Connell, Evelyn and Jonathan run into the treasure chamber. Evelyn skids to a stop, breathing heavily. O'Connell grabs her hand and Jonathan's pulls them on towards a SINKING DOORWAY on the far side of the room. Beni runs into the treasure chamber. O'Connell, Evelyn and Jonathan race past him. He joins them as they run up a

staircase. heading for a DESCENDING DOORWAY, which is already

half gone, Jonathan dives through the narrow gap. Then O'Connell dives through, he spins around. Evelyn dives, but gets stuck in the middle. O'Connell grabs her arm and YANKS her through just in time. Beni reaches through the narrowing gap with his hand--

BENI

O'CONNELL!

O'Connell grabs it, but it's too late. Beni yanks his hand back as the top of the door CRASHES to the floor. Beni quickly crawls back down the stairs as the ceiling SLAMS down behind him. He stands up and looks around with his diminishing torch. There's no way out. And then he hears something, and turns around. Over in the corner is the REMOTE CONTROL SCARAB bumping continually into a wall. Beni gives it an annoyed look and aims a kick at it

BENI

Piss off.

And that's when Beni's torch goes out. PITCH BLACK. A BEAT. Then the remote control scarab CHITTERS.

BENI

Oh crap…

EXT. HAMUNAPTRA - DAY

The temple COLLAPSES as O'Connell, Evelyn, Jonathan race through the ruins and out through the front gates. The whole place RUMBLES ominously.

They make it down the ramp as more ruins CRASH DOWN behind them. A MASSIVE CLOUD OF SAND AND DUST billows out over the wall and into the air and you just see through the cloud a guy with a remote detonator coughing violently.

SLOW DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DESERT- DAY

O'Connell, Evelyn and Jonathan stand in the middle of the plateau.

They stare at the guy with the remote detonator trying to get a helicopter to go away as it stirs up huge sand clouds.

O'CONNELL

Can we go now?

JONATHAN

Yeah I guess…

EVY

Errr………How do we get back?

JONATHAN

Good question, I was just thinking that you know

O'CONNELL

Why don't we all shout for help?

EVY

Not the most inspired of ideas but it'll do for now.

EVY/O'CONNELL/JONATHAN

HEELLLLPPPPPPPPP! HELLP!

JONATHAN

I don't think it's working.

O'CONNELL

No, look!

Over the horizon three Arabs on huge great Hummer ATV's appear to the sound of the beginning of Indian Jones theme tune and stop just in front of them.

ARAB 1

Are you with the British man looking for Ark of covenant?

JONATHAN

Ummmmmmmmm….I'm sorry what?

ARAB 2

Mr Jones, you with him?

O'CONNELL

What, Indiana Jones? Are you off your rocker you—mmff

(Jonathan closes his hand around O'Connell's mouth)

JONATHAN

Yes will you give us a lift please?

ARAB 3

Most certainly.

Jonathan smiles wickedly at Evelyn.

BLACKOUT

Then superimposed 1 at a time

THE END…………………………………………..

YOU MAY NOW LEAVE IN AN ORDERLY MANNER

NO PUSHING, THAT MEANS YOU AT THE FRONT THERE I CAN SEE YOU

THIS MOVIE WAS INSPIRED BY 5 MINUTES OF BOREDOM A PEN AND PAPER

HURRY UP YOU COULD BE DOING SOMETHING FAR MORE INTERESTING

EVER CONSIDERED BADMINTON?

OR LEARNING EGYPTIAN AND HEBREW?

(Fade out to credits)

58


End file.
